Letters to the editor

[australopithecus]

Dear evil overlords at Apple;

I'm wotin to complain about the shiddy nature of your iPhone's keyboard Nd autocorrect function. I'm am most vexed at it's blatant disregard for what I am a Thant trying to type, in Cavour of making my posts nonsensicL. Please added this forthwith or I will be for e to tLe upmnegotionS with your compeitorz.

Sincerely,
a Thomson-brine

 

[Prolescum]

Dear Appleyte,

There is nothing wrong with your product. It works perfectly and always will. Look at the eyes, not the hands. There is nothing wrong with your product. It works perfectly and always will. There is nothing wrong with your product. It works perfectly and always will. There is nothing wrong with your product. It works perfectly and always will. There is nothing wrong with your product. It works perfectly and always will. There is nothing wrong with your product. It works perfectly and always will. There is nothing wrong with your product. It works perfectly and always will.

Yours,

Stefan Dennis

Apple Customer Co-ordinator Genius

 

[CosmicJoghurt]

Dear fucks at MTV,

You know those celebrity cribs that you show, and those reality TV shows? Well you can kindly shove them up your ass. You know, with the old directors at MTV we had something to watch. Now I just have something to throw my feces at. It's not so bad, Justin Bieber's face looks better with a black turd on top of it.

Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Joey McFuckyou

 

[forgotten observer]

Dear league of reason

It has a been almost exactly one year since your last letter, which leads me to the conclusion that everyone has died due to the infection, If I am the only one left then I will have been forgotten again and will surely leave, If you are alive send another letter lest you wish I disappear again. Cordis die awaits. Wait what?

-The eternally forgotten observer.

 

[Prolescum]

Dear to whom it may concern,

I think I've discovered a replacement for cavorite. These are the steps you will need to duplicate :

1. Take slice of bread
2. Butter one side
3. Butter the other side
4. Drop

I hope this helps.

Regards,

Percy Pitt, (retired)

 

[australopithecus]

Dear Sir.

Your Mum can repel fire power of that magnitude.

Sincerely,
[Name not given]

 

[Prolescum]

Chère madame,

Ta mère fait pleurer les oignons.

Cordialement,

Stefan

 

[Noth]

Dear Jacque Ahs,

I believed you when you said you were in all actuality the son of Superman.
To convince the rest of the world, however, why not find a tall building and give it a go?

Yours undyingly,

A true believer

 

[Prolescum]

True Believer,

Firstly, EXCELSIOR!

Secondly, it's Captain Marvel, not Superman.

Yes, I'm aware that makes him younger than me.

Yours,

Jock Arsh

 

[Lallapalalable]

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I would like to point out that after commenting on any post on Facebook, the text field remains active, as if you think my one comment wasn't enough and more should be said. I trust this isn't the case, that you are reading and judging every post I make, because it's too consistent and I do believe I have written some zingers too perfect for further words, and even you would have to agree. Instead, I think this is a bug in your software, something I think you should focus on fixing and perfecting, even though your services are provided free of cost, technically. I added the qualifier because the ads and such give you money in return for my precious attention, and your constant suggestions of "friends" with whom I know at best through one random friend from high school who now lives two thousand miles away is friends with this person are mind-bogglingly stupid. How can I possibly know this one random person, with whom I usually have no mutual friends and live far enough away to almost guarantee that not only should I not know them, but to expect that I do would qualify anyone that does so for state assisted income because they just cannot function in a typical workplace? What is your plan, Zuckerberg? How does this tie in with the layout changes you design and implement on seeming whims with little to no prior warning? There is something going on, and I'm going to expose you. Sleep while you can, because once you see me coming, I won't stop until your empire lies in ruin. Even then, I won't need to cease, and may even delve into your soul and feed your dreams with fear and darkness until there's nothing left of you but a shell of a man. Unless, of course, you fix that bug I mentioned. And while your at it, see about mandatory spell check windows. They don't have to force the changes, but just alert the idiots that can't spell simple words that they suck, and maybe the change will happen at the source.

Yours truly, Lukiiro, Avatar of Misery and Paranoia

 

[Prolescum]

Dear Mr and/or Mrs Mainwaring,

I have heard of this Facebook. The original film was Japanese, wasn't it?

Gawds (the old and the new) bless,

Messrs Harvey and Palmer.

 

[Lallapalalable]

To those who continue to remain ignorant of common driving etiquette,

Look who's coming before pulling out, use your damn signals, and at least try to make it look like you're aware of the posted speed limits, or get the fuck off the road. Especially you, state police troopers. You're the worst, at times.

Yours,
The guy behind you flipping you off.

 

[CommonEnlightenment]

Dear Mr. Ionized Sphere of Gas waiting to erupt and throw charged particles at planet Earth,

Please refrain until your eruption source is pointed away from planet Earth as to lessen the probability of causing havoc to some of the less prepared or less shielded electronic devices found in orbit, in flight, or on the surface.

Thank You,

Concerned Earth Dweller.