Letters to the editor

[Prolescum]

Dear to whom it may concern (c/o BBC television centre),
I am writing to show my utter disgust with the amount of inappropriate content available on the internet. It appears I cannot frequent anywhere without some food-eater presuming whatnot and anyhoots for all and sundry to see. I really do wonder what you bigwigs do all day.

Yours encouragingly,

Prof. G D Marriot, KLF

 

[Prolescum]

Dear Mr Rothernott,

I'm writing to you in the hopes of ascribing certain characteristics to someone. Could you tell me a bit of your history?

Kindest regards,

David Shayler, second Messiah.

 

[ImprobableJoe]

What the fuck are you on about this time?

 

[Prolescum]

Use that big juicy brain of yours, my love.

 

[nasher168]

Dear Mr Prolescum,

I find myself at a loss as to the motive behind a thread I have discovered on the world wide web. Please make your intentions known.

Yours bewilderedly,

Thomas Nash.

 

[Prolescum]

Gentlemen,

It has come to my attention that on occasion, the web (henceforth referred to as "the internet"), and in particular, discussion fora (henceforth referred to as "discussion fora") can benefit from the application of lowbrow endeavours that tangle effectively random statements (henceforth referred to as L.E.T.T.E.R.S) to suspend heightened, emotionally explicit content momentarily, and offer a release from the burden of intense argument.

In other words, it's just for fun.

Warmest regards,

Pro Le Scum

 

[Welshidiot]

Dear Sir or Madam,

Is it just me, or is there more gender-ambiguity around these days?



Yours Flocullently,

The Rt. Hon. Brig. Gen. Pompitous D'Amour (Ret),
Alarming Manor,
Hamptoncesterborough,
Shirleyshire.

 

[Lallapalalable]

To whom it may concern,

I have recently discovered that there are far too many vegetables in my grocery store's produce section. Please see to it that this is remedied.

Kindest regards,

Sir Lalls.

 

[Anachronous Rex]

To the proper regulatory authorities,

It has come to my attention that the quantity of product depicted as being advisable in the advert of a certain dental hygiene corporation is inadvisable in practice, and indeed produces a sensation most unpleasant. Having confirmed this result with my manservant, I write now in the hope that this affront to the common good shall be remedied with haste.

Godspeed,
Lord Jethro Anachronous

 

[nasher168]

Dear Mr Stanell,
Following our correspondence at the Aviary last month, I must impart to you that it is now common knowledge that the bird is, in fact, the word.

Yours faithfully,

The Rt. Pomp. Git. Humphrey Glyptodon

 

[Prolescum]

Dear The Rt. Pomp. Git. Humphrey Glyptodon,

In response to your letter in reference to our correspondence, your assertion pertaining to the truth behind the word is, in fact, mistaken; it is grease.

Yours colloquially,

D. F. Stanell MP, Fresh Minister

 

[ImprobableJoe]

Dear...ummm... people.

You guys are weird.

Sincerely, Joe

 

[Your Funny Uncle]

Dear Messrs Stanell and Glyptodon,

You clearly have no clue as to the nature of the word, although performing an act using grease and birds in combination might earn you a slot on the hopefuls.

Yours shockingly,

T. Christian

 

[Welshidiot]

Achtung Meine Liebling!


After much soul-searching I feel it behoves me to impart the following piece of evidence....
I once asked if the word was given,....and the answer that I received leaves me in no doubt that the word IS given......




Forever Yours,
Eng. Cdt. P. Preston.
(deceased)

 

[Prolescum]

Dear Ms T. Christian,

Firstly, may I call you Misty?

On second thoughts, perhaps you consider this a little forward. One suspects that although those seeking a hopefuls slot probably should be forward, it's likely that flirting via letter is the least efficient manner in which to do so.

Yours inherently,

D. F. Stanell MP, Fresh Minister

 

[Andiferous]

Dear Mary;

I went to the pond today, and despite the warm autumn winds, I was delighted that to hear the frogs through the bushes (they "croaked" still, even though that radio program told me they were near extinction). This delights me. I hope you get this through Mr. Efficient's letterbox. Take care and XOX.

~ Mary

 

[Laurens]

Dear Deidre

My epileptic dwarf girlfriend recently confessed that she fantasises about Peter Andre when we have sex. I told her that I thought Peter Andre is a "utter fucking twat" and now she wont have sex with me. My question is; how do you remove blood stains from a hammer/hacksaw/wallpaper? Also, do the bin men check what is in the bin bags before they put them in the truck, and will I get in trouble for having sex with a dead dwarf?

Yours truly
Laurens

 

[Lallapalalable]

To the parties responsible, who will remain anonymous (you know who you are),

There were discovered several public monuments and sculptures that were inappropriately desecrated on the morning of Michael Jackson, in the town of Cerebellum, CT, all of which were graffitied with a tasteless shade of fish. Many local elderly and children residents (as well as some of the more effeminate men) were terrified to leave their homes, causing a mass absence of Wal*Mart greeters, students, and interior designers across the county. This led to the well documented ecological disaster on the east coast of Madagascar we are sure you have heard about by now.

There were, however, some properly vandalized, suggestively-phallic pieces, all of which sounded just the appropriate level of twelve. This does not acquit you of your other charges, but we thought we should say so.

Our intentions at this time are to apprehend the guilty members of said parties and arrange a heart to heart discussion. We are coming for you, and you may not survive the process (by means which will remain undisclosed at this time), but we are certainly cheering for you.

That is all,

Commodore Lallinsworth-DeLa Palal, Honorable Guido First Class

Mongolian Navy

 

[Squawk]

To whom it may concern

Why is this concern a concern of yours?

U. N. Concerned

 

[Laurens]

Dear BBC

Do you really need that many antiques programs on during the day? Perhaps you could take the significant proportion of license payers who couldn't give two flying monkey shits about antiques into account?

Yours faithfully
Laurens