Letters to the editor

[)O( Hytegia )O(]

Dear Mother England,

This will probably be the last of my correspondences with you; it will be the one of utmost importance as to the mind of a curious American:
If you need a dentist that badly, why don't you have someone take a crowbar and wedge them back into the correct place? I do believe this would resolve, at the very least, half of America's jokes we could possibly make about you, aside from cracks about high-class British porn and your funny phrases such as Small Ben and Wobbly Hinge-knocker instead of simply saying "Wristwatch" or "Door."
The American-type of English is simply the culmination of phrases, slang, and expressions from many different cultures and people being crammed together and trying the best they can; England is simply England. There's no excuse for pompis dandy words and phrases that have barely any grasp on what it is. Not even for the word pompis dandy.

God Save the Queen,
America

 

[Welshidiot]

Dear America,

Last of your correspondence? More like the bloody first of your correspondence. You never ring me up anymore, you hardly ever visit, and when you do you've usually got a bloody great bag of laundry for me to wash. Then once you've gorged yourself on steak'n'kidney pie, and drunk all yer father's ale, you sod off again without so much as a "by your leave"!

It's a bloody liberty, that's what it is!

And what's all this "Mother England" business? What happened to "Mum"? That's what I'd like to know!
What's the matter? Is it summat to do wiv your bleedin' "global hegemony", is it?
Is it cos your "hob-knobbing with the toffs" now, is it? Is it? I bet it is!

I can hear it right now, you talkin' like ya gob's full o' pork'n'beans, sayin: "h-Oh no I can't possibly refer to h-you as me dear ole Mum h-anymore, not now h-I'm associatin h-wiv Russia and China, don'cher know. h-We 'ave ta call you Moth-ah H-Ingland now, duchess..."

I don't know where you get it from, ya stuck up little twerp! We've always been 'umble in our family, but you ponce about like your shit don't stink!
You wanna watch yourself my lad, "pride comes before a fall" don't forget.

As for the more colourful parts of your missive, I don't know what to make of them at all, I really don't,...I have no wish to know about whatever nasty little vices you've picked up since you left home, and I saw quite enough of your..."Small Ben"...when I was changing your nappies,...I don't wish to have to consider such things any more, thank you very much.

Honestly! When I think of the labour pains I went through for you, it fair breaks my 'eart,...I very near ruined meself bringing you into this world my lad, and this is all the thanks I get!?!!?





Get stuffed!
Your MUM!!!



PS: By the way, your teeth looked ever so nice the last time I saw you, my dear,....the few remaining ones you had left!
PPS: Your uncle Kenny says 'allo,....and even that's more than you deserve.

 

[WarK]

@Welshidiot

Mate, you're writing my next cover letter :lol:

 

[Lallapalalable]

Dear McDonalds Corporation,

I demand, by the powers of all that is mighty, to know what sorcery you behold to transform simple asbestos and radon into sweet delicious gut bombs. Your monopoly on the dark arts has endured the hordes of brave entities that have challenged you, but it shall endure no longer. If you do not comply, I will unleash a military campaign upon your cannibalistic commune McDonaldland, leaving none alive.

This message also serves as a formal complaint about the quality of Happy Meal toys in recent years. I hold no interest in children's anime, such as Yu-Gi-Oh! and Beyblade, and frankly I am sick of useless, crappy renditions of contemporary movie characters with a single moving part that does nothing for the 'fun-factor'. If you wish to remedy this, I suggest you go back to doing those mini lego sets. And telling me what your secRETS ARE I MUST KNOW THEM!!!1!@

Dictated,

Lallthor, the Malevolent

 

[nasher168]

A Decleration
of the
Capitulation
of the
Great McDonaldese Empire of the Northern Wastes of Americana
to the Demands of
Lallthor, the Malevolent​

We the undersigned, being in supreme command of the McDonaldese Armies of the Northern Wastes of Americana, do hereby capitulate to the demands of Lollthor, the Malevolent. The sorcery required for the production of McDonaldian Gut Bombs shall be delivered under escort to the great desert fortress of Lollthor, the Malevolent on the third day of the month of November, in the hope of turning back the irresistible hordes under his command.
Furthermore, McDonaldian Happy Meal technology shall be declared heretical throughout the Empire and those in the field of research purged. We most humbly request that the forces of Lollthor, the Malevolent assist our diplomats in establishing trade links across the Atlantic with the Kingdom of Legoland, in order to fulfil the demand to supply mini Lego sets in our Happy Meals.

R. McDonald of the Imperial Counties
Hamburglar of the McStapo
Grimace of the Inland Sea
Birdie of the Misty Reaches
The Fry Kids of the Eastern Sea
Field Marshal Officer Big Mac
Admiral Crook of the McDonladese Navy
Mayor McCheese of the Great City of San Bernadino
Lord O'Grimacey of the Southern Plateaus

 

[Lallapalalable]

To the McDonaldese Empire,

Your timely response was most appreciated, however there remain three days to fulfill the treaty and my borders remain unchallenged by your messengers. If I do not see any signs pointing towards an effort on your part to uphold your end of the bargain, I will engage in talks with the Southron King of Burgers, to be held in the White Castle, on a campaign plan to forcibly remove the sorcerous secrets from your citadel. Do not interpret this as a threat, but rather giving you the facts of my contingency plan. Where my personal hordes are more than plenty to reach and obliterate your capitol, the alliance I have in mind will make the victory quick and decisive (and those southrons sure like their rape and pillaging. Just saying).

I do hold faith that your secrets will become shared by the stated date and location, however I feel anxious with the approaching deadline and must take some small action to curb my restlessness. I feel you should also know I have yet to contact the Burger King, and he remains ignorant of any strife between our factions.

Written,

Lallthor, the Malevolent.

 

[nasher168]

Imperial Order W8651

From: Imperial Regent Ronald McDonald of the Imperial Counties
To: Field Marshall Officer Big Mac


The ploy appears to have had only limited success. Lallthor's forces have delayed their attack, presumably until the Third of November, but there is still a sizeable force amassed on our borders. Furthermore-and even more concerning, the latest telegram indicates that Lallthor has established diplomatic contact with the Southrons. Obviously, given the state of or shaky alliance with the Easterlings, a declaration of war by the Southrons could cause our alliance with the Easterlings to crumble.

I fear that our hamburger sorcery may not be enough to drive back the combined forces of Lallthor and the Southrons, especially if we find ourselves isolated by the Easterlings, as I suspect may occur.

I therefore order you to bring up the reserve troops from our Vegan conquests. Additionally, deploy the Vegan-technology portals at strategic points. We cannot afford to keep these secrets hidden any longer.

Haam' birgur, Brother.

 

[Lallapalalable]

To the Supreme Commander of the McDonaldese forces,

Did you accidentally hit 'reply all'? Because I definitely got that last message. Very disappointing.

However, I am writing to inform you that my Resources Bureau reported sightings of a 'Sonic' franchise within our borders, so your secrets are hereby undesirable, given that they achieve a better flavor with lower standards in content. I do appreciate your eagerness to give my troops a morale boosting conflict, which we would have added to our laden record of victories, unfortunately our new objective gives us no time to pursue additional skirmishes. Thank you for your attentions, and may next year bring more strife between us.

Yours,

Lallthor

 

[Lallapalalable]

To the user known as "Prolescum",

I recently came down with sudden seizures while browsing this forum, and after a rather bothersome trip to the hospital I deduced the cause was epileptic in nature, triggered by the frequency of you changing your avatars and signatures. I ask that you slow it down a tad, to maybe only twice a day (or 50% of your current rate), so that I may at least endure an entire internet session without waking up an hour later, sever bruises richer.

Appreciated,

Lallapalalable

 

[nasher168]

To the user known as "Lallapalalable",

Flibbety flobble, Doctor Who kerflabbergast. Whizz bang b'doing, play on words piffle. Surrealist humour bonk twig.


Thoroughly Britishly,

Prolescum

 

[)O( Hytegia )O(]

Prolescum and Hytegia,

I know that you never show visable submission to my requests, but could you please play nice in the future? Or at least in your next post? Or at least a single sentence in your upcoming sarcastic rant/putdown?

Sincerely,
Nasher

 

[Prolescum]

Dear Ms Palalable,

Soz. This one's in your honour.

Regards,

Pro Le Scum

PS. Please inform nasher168 I would never use the word bonk. Not while wearing these shoes, at any rate. Allons-y!

 

[nasher168]

Nasher,

Go fuck yourself.

Bluntly,
Hytegia

 

[nasher168]

Dear Pro Le Scum

I draw your attention to the following quote, penned from your very hand:

" I would never use the word bonk"

I rest my case.

Pointlessly,

Nasher

 

[Prolescum]

Dear nasher168 (if indeed that is your real nom de guerre),

You have made a very cromulent point, and one I will rarely, if ever, mention again. I salute you in the only way I know how. With my eels.

cum proles obtulit,

Prolescum

 

[Prolescum]

Dear Mr Vouchsafe,

I will thank you not to take the piss just because I don't have time to proof-read my letters. In fact, I want nothing more to do with your damnable organisation.

See you in Hull,

Phil Coldour

 

[Lallapalalable]

To the Master and Commander of Low-Grade Entertainment (UK Division),

Turn on the TV this morning (afternoon, who am I kidding) to see 'The Jeremy Kyle Show'. I thought we had enough of our own garbage, but no, we have to import yours now, too. I also thought I was safe from this particular smell in that I only had to catch the occasional accidental whiff online, but no.

Please, I will start by asking nicely that you indite this man and those responsible for leaving this refuse on my property, and to issue a full apology for the damage I have surely incurred to my frontal lobe from the waves visibly radiating from my (now probably broken) television. If the television itself proves to be damaged as well, I will only ask for reparations if you fail to follow through with my previous requests.

Best regards, in a disgusted overtone,

The Great Bodini

 

[australopithecus]

FAO The Great Bodini;

We're saddened to learn of your displeasure at Jeremy Kyle, however we're inclinded to point out that he is now your problem. There's a reason we shipped him out to the colonies. We hope you enjoy having the word "contraception" shouted at you from behind his sinister hair cut; we're free at last.

Regards,
A joyous Britain.

 

[Dragan Glas]

Dear MUM,

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Kindest regards,

Rick

 

[)O( Hytegia )O(]

Dear Idiots,

Why is it that when one of you decides to come to the board, you bring all of your equally idiotic friends who make the same terrible logical failures as you do?
Can't, at the very least, ONE of you have the integrity to tell the truth and be honest about your ignorance?

Sincerely,
Beating My Head Into a Wall