Letters to the editor

[Anachronous Rex]

Dear Zoological Society of Longfordbridgewichfolkshire,

I am writing to inform you of a prodigious quantity of facts regarding the common badger, hitherto unknown to science, which have been made known to my person via sources of dubious honor and poor hygiene. As the authenticity of these claims cannot be wholly verified, I have taken it upon myself to found the Naturalist Association Investigating
Vacuous Empiricism, or NAIVE. I shall keep you informed as to our investigation.

Lord Jethro Anachronous,
Vice-Chairman of the Danubian Confederation

 

[Prolescum]

Dear Mary,

If you haven't received it yet, I sent you a text.


RSVP,

Steven

 

[ImprobableJoe]

To the Prolescum it may concern,

Gun gun gun gun gun.

Sincerely,

Joe

 

[Welshidiot]

Steven,

In what universe does pouring petrol through my letterbox and then setting fire to it, constitute "a text"...!?!?!!!??

I've informed the relevant authorities.



M



PS: Mr Sandival says he'll never forgive you for what you did to his dog,....especially because you did it with his cat!!!

 

[Lallapalalable]

To the Lord and Master of the Earth and Nature,

I am writing to inform you that we now have more than enough water in our local aquifers. Please stop sending your little "care packages" of torrential rain, as my plans for the coming days are in serious jeopardy.

Thank you for your consideration,

A wet and miserable denizen of your domain.

 

[)O( Hytegia )O(]

Dearest Britain,

Please stop naming your districts such girly names.

Respectfully,
Americans

 

[Prolescum]

Carlos Santana
Bethlehem
North Pole
5 Dec 1972


Dear Santana,

I have been extremely good this year, so would very much like a Science Ninja Team Gatchaman costume. The pink one, please.

Also, if you would refrain from leaving me nectarines I'd appreciate it. I much prefer berries.

Season's greetings,

Caroline Grint, 13 ,¾

 

[Prolescum]

Dearest Britain,

Please stop naming your districts such girly names.

Respectfully,
Americans

To America,

Many of your districts, towns, and cities are named after ours.

You may keep them.

Risibly,

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

 

[Laurens]

Dear Tesco's

I love it when I see a sign saying 'Beer Deals', not because I'm particularly interested in getting good deals on beer, but because it makes me think 'beard eels'.

Yours
Laurens

 

[)O( Hytegia )O(]

Dearest Britain,

Please stop naming your districts such girly names.

Respectfully,
Americans

To America,

Many of your districts, towns, and cities are named after ours.

You may keep them.

Risibly,

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Northern Ireland and the United Kingdom,

Aside from the first British Colonies, it's mostly whatever came to our heads, after some person, or named after a preexisting city. However, none of our states themselves are Shirlyshire or Girlyponyville, nor Little Whining.
Besides, we won that war. All intellectual property of the more awesome district names from pre-war now belong to America.

Sincerely,
America

P.S. With Martin McGuinness running as President, I best be getting used to proper notations.

 

[nasher168]

To America,

You appear to be labouring under the delusion that silly names are frequently bestowed upon English towns. This is not the case.

Yours,

Bob Dunder, Chair, Wetwang Parish Council.

 

[Prolescum]

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2015. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen gnat's urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen gnat's urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2015) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices.

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

 

[Welshidiot]

Dear Tea-sippin homos, otherwise known as the damned English, (not you Scots and Irish, you're cool, hope you're having a great time in my grampappies homeland of Scots-Ireland,....btw, what's a "Wales"?)

It has come to our attention that most, if not all, of your place names are homosexual. This is probably because you sip tea (either gulp it, or sip coffee, ya damned preverts), and because your King's a woman.

If you do not redress this crime against nature, we're gonna come over there and change your damned regime,....with a burnin cross!!!

Once you have re-masculinized your place names, you must abandon the name "England", and all derivat-, devritavl-, devchelle2, diverticulitis--DAMMIT!,.....other words that come from it.

We don't much care what you call your stinking "country" after that, as long as it's not "Gay", or "Tea-sippin-land",...perhaps you could name it something cool, like "George Washington", or "Spray-On-Cheese"....

In closing I would just like to say "sheeeeeeiiittttt", and wish you a slow and painful death.




May the Lord bless and keep you,

Quartermaster Chuck E. Cheese (Retd),
Mah sister's crotch,
Dismal,
Tennessee.

 

[Lallapalalable]

Deer Eenglind,

Ur jus jelly cause we invented blue jeans and have more blow-jobs per capita than you. Please stop being such a prissy-pants and go back to doing our homework for us, or its swirlee town for you nerds!

Also, Australian accents are very easy to distinguish from British, as it is more cooler than yours (more party in their words).

Yours truly,

Amurikah.

PS What is a 'wales'?

 

[Welshidiot]

Messieurs,

It has come to my attention that the people of a certain nation are badly mispronouncing said nation's name, in such a manner that is very easily confused with the name of my own homeland.

Please prevail upon them to shape up.



Bon soir,

M. A.T.Gaul,
Indomitable Village,
Armorica.

 

[)O( Hytegia )O(]

I was having a bad day until I read this thread.
:lol:

 

[nasher168]

Dear America?

It has come to my attention that many of your citizens are unable to tell our accent from that of the English accent? I find this gross ignorance on your part ridiculous almost to the point that I take offence?


Yours moronic interrogatively?

Austrahlia?

 

[Welshidiot]

Department of Uttermost Rationality,​

Section 31, Glassfull House,​

Parallel Park,​

Lower Royal Hursthamwichingtonfordsterburymouth-Upon-Avon-Super-Mare,​

(near Upper Royal Hursthamwichingtonfordsterburymouth-Upon-Avon-Super-Mare),​

West Dorothy,​

Swingin' Ingerlund.​

From:
The Office of the Chief Conservitor of Fun, The Rt. Hon. Lord Ashleigh Gray,

To:
The persona known as ")O( Hytegia )O(",
League of Reason,
The Internet.

Re:
Your bill.


Citizen,

As part of our perpetually vigilant efforts to ration the limited supply of the cognitive construct known as "humour", we have observed your apparent enjoyment of a piece of internet-hosted literary whimsy.

This is all well and good, as is any further legal consumption of "humour", or "humourous" material that you may choose to avail yourself of;
But, we have as yet to receive your mandatory fee for the "enjoyment" activity that you appear to have indulged in.

I feel it behoves me in my function as Chief Conservitor of Fun, to briefly try to convey to you in a short communication, the actual societal constraints of the current restricitive pressures prevailing in the reality of the culture of our community today. To whit,...there is only so much "fun" to go around.

In order to create more "fun", a tranche of government assisted "funsters" have been charged with bringing wit, whimsy, gags, guffaws, and even all out belly-laughs to the public, via the internet.

Obviously these dedicated individuals can not be expected to work for free, and so our convenient system of "Pay-As-You-Go" taxation has been set up, in order to collect revenue straight from the user at the point of use.

However, "humour" is a matter of subjective taste, and therefore it is not possible for "funsters" to always engender a "hilarious" response amongst the audience. It is often possible for large bodies of work to fail to raise even the slightest "titter" in the majority of the citizenry, as anyone who has seen the movies of Jack Black can testify.
Therefore our monitors keep a helpful eye on your internet activities, so that we know exactly when you have "enjoyed" some of our state sponsored "fun", and need to make a convenient payment.


Please accept this friendly itemised bill, detailing the precise "enjoyment" responses that you are being conveniently charged for:

Smiling: ,£200
Open laughter: ,£500
Thinking "life ain't so bad": ,£400
Feeling the need to make your feelings known: ,£200
Having "your frown turned upside down": ,£800
Having your whole day improved multiplier X 10

Total: ,£21,000 {all usual payment methods accepted, payments must be made within 14 day charging period}


I am sure your delay in payment is merely an oversight on your part, and that we will not have to send helpful Vinnie round with his great big, friendly, convenient, and extremely bloody hammer.


Caringly Yours,
Lord Ashleigh Gray, Chief Conservitor of Fun.

"The Department of Uttermost Rationality,...Turning your frowns into thousand yard stares..."​

 

[Anachronous Rex]

 

[)O( Hytegia )O(]

Department of Uttermost Rationality,​

Section 31, Glassfull House,​

Parallel Park,​

Lower Royal Hursthamwichingtonfordsterburymouth-Upon-Avon-Super-Mare,​

(near Upper Royal Hursthamwichingtonfordsterburymouth-Upon-Avon-Super-Mare),​

West Dorothy,​

Swingin' Ingerlund.​

[showmore=The Letter]From:
The Office of the Chief Conservitor of Fun, The Rt. Hon. Lord Ashleigh Gray,

To:
The persona known as ")O( Hytegia )O(",
League of Reason,
The Internet.

Re:
Your bill.


Citizen,

As part of our perpetually vigilant efforts to ration the limited supply of the cognitive construct known as "humour", we have observed your apparent enjoyment of a piece of internet-hosted literary whimsy.

This is all well and good, as is any further legal consumption of "humour", or "humourous" material that you may choose to avail yourself of;
But, we have as yet to receive your mandatory fee for the "enjoyment" activity that you appear to have indulged in.

I feel it behoves me in my function as Chief Conservitor of Fun, to briefly try to convey to you in a short communication, the actual societal constraints of the current restricitive pressures prevailing in the reality of the culture of our community today. To whit,...there is only so much "fun" to go around.

In order to create more "fun", a tranche of government assisted "funsters" have been charged with bringing wit, whimsy, gags, guffaws, and even all out belly-laughs to the public, via the internet.

Obviously these dedicated individuals can not be expected to work for free, and so our convenient system of "Pay-As-You-Go" taxation has been set up, in order to collect revenue straight from the user at the point of use.

However, "humour" is a matter of subjective taste, and therefore it is not possible for "funsters" to always engender a "hilarious" response amongst the audience. It is often possible for large bodies of work to fail to raise even the slightest "titter" in the majority of the citizenry, as anyone who has seen the movies of Jack Black can testify.
Therefore our monitors keep a helpful eye on your internet activities, so that we know exactly when you have "enjoyed" some of our state sponsored "fun", and need to make a convenient payment.


Please accept this friendly itemised bill, detailing the precise "enjoyment" responses that you are being conveniently charged for:

Smiling: ,£200
Open laughter: ,£500
Thinking "life ain't so bad": ,£400
Feeling the need to make your feelings known: ,£200
Having "your frown turned upside down": ,£800
Having your whole day improved multiplier X 10

Total: ,£21,000 {all usual payment methods accepted, payments must be made within 14 day charging period}


I am sure your delay in payment is merely an oversight on your part, and that we will not have to send helpful Vinnie round with his great big, friendly, convenient, and extremely bloody hammer.


Caringly Yours,
Lord Ashleigh Gray, Chief Conservitor of Fun.

"The Department of Uttermost Rationality,...Turning your frowns into thousand yard stares..."​

[/showmore]

The letter was returned to the man, with an apology written in Red ink, and stamped "Return to Sender" -

Regional Post Office for this Addressee is Closed due to insufficient funds.
Besides, there wasn't nearly enough stamps on this envelope!

You had the vaguest and fleeting feeling in the back of your head that it could be Hytegia, but there's no real way to prove it otherwise - because America's in a shitter when it comes to the Post Office shutting down this year.