Jokes

[benoitms]

Ok I know it's a BAD idea but I can't help it! So I propose a "joke" topic on religion, whatever religion.
Let me start by Christians:

During a major flood a priest refuse to leave the village arguing "God will help me!".

After a full night of rain a big truck stops in front of the church and the driver propose to the priest to help him but he decline and answers: "God will help me!"

After another raining day the priest have taken refuge on the second and then he ears screaming outside: 2 firemen are on a boat and proposes to the priest for a ride but again he say "No thanks, God will help me!"

Later that day he is on the church roof and a helicopter pass by, they send him a rope ladder but he reject them "God will help me!".

Sadly he finish drown when the church collapses. He find himself in front of the pearly gates and when the doors opens he can't take it anymore and accuses God: "I believed in you and you let me down!". But God answers to him "Are you kidding me? We send you a truck, a boat and an helicopter and you idiot managed to drown!"

 

[peterman]

Whats the difference between a Christian and a Jew.............a Jew gets angry and a Christian gets a little cross! :lol:

 

[DeistPaladin]

A joke for the new-agers:

Q: What do they call "alternative medicine" that's proven to work?

A: Medicine.

 

[xman]

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

 

[Joebert]

 

[benoitms]

A Rabbi, a priest, an Iman and a Buddhist enters in a Bar...
The bartender turns around and ask: "is that a joke or what?"

 

[Raistlin Majere]

I probably shouldn't, but...

A rabbi and catholic priest are walking down the street and pass a 10 year old boy.

The priest asks, "See that little boy?"

The rabbi replies, "Of course. Why do you ask?"

The priest answers, "Let's screw him."

And the rabbi asks. "Out of what?"

:roll:

 

[abraxas]

Knock knock

Who's there?

An atheist

An atheist who?

An atheist... Aw never mind. Atheists don't come knocking on your door when you're trying to relax!

 

[nemesiss]

Q: were is the best place to hide your money from a creationst?
A: a biology textbook

 

[borrofburi]

Taken from user "groovearchive" on the video "Halo 3 criticism on Jesus Died LOL" by user JesusDiedLOL:

what did jesus, whisper to peter when he hung from the cross...
"hey peter, i can see your house from here".

take your arms and spread them out as far as you can... what do you have?
a shitty way to spend easter.

 

[benoitms]

Luckily Jesus wasn't drown! Imagine everyone having an aquarium on top of the door!

 

[Borlaug]

As Voltaire lay on his deathbed, a priest came to him pleaded with him to reject Satan.

Voltaire replied, "Now, now. This is no time for making enemies."

 

[AndyfromMonday]

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.
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Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.
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This pedophile priest doesn't get caught for 50 years, finally he dies and goes to heaven before St. Peter who has the book of life in front of him and says to the priest , " What the heck are you doing here? You should be in hell! You molested little boys for 50 years and never got punished for it".

The priest replies, "I'm here to see Sweet Baby Jesus".

 

[DeistPaladin]

Why do gay men love Jesus?

(Arms wide to simulate the cross) Because he's hung like this.

 

[benoitms]

A young priest replace another old priest in a little village.

The old one tels the new guy to ask the caretaker if he have any question about running the church during the 3 weeks he is away.

After a little time a very nice looking 16 years old girl come for confession:

"Father, I have sin, I was gathering corn on the fields and at the end of the day back at the barn big John was with me, I was hot so I was just wearing a shirt and shorts, he got horny and started to kiss be... But after he became too horny I refused to sleep with him. But to clam him down I had to make him a blow-job!"

The priest don't know what to answer to here and how many avemaria she have to say to repent. So he runs to see the caretaker and ask him:

"I have a 16 years old girl talking about a blow-job! What Father John gives for that?"

And the caretaker answers:

"Just a chocolate bar should do the trick!"

 

[anarkus03]

I saw this on a doctor's office door at the kids hospital. I took a cellphone picture that turned out bad, so i googled it:

http://www.answersingenesis.org/docs2005/images/1218doonesbury_lg.gif

Of course AIG is the first site that pops up...
Not two doors down is a noah's ark comic of dinosaurs missing the boat.
I don't know how to imbed images. My bad.

*edit*

I just noticed that the goddamn comic was edited!!! WTF... gotta find the original...

*edit again*

Ok, here it is...

Why would they edit the top 2 frames out?!

 

[TheFearmonger]

One day a priest goes to golf and takes a nun with him. He hits for the first hole and misses:
- Fucking hole, I missed!
- If you swear again, God will punish you! Said the nun.
The same thing repeats 2 more time. The fourth time, the priest very confident shots but misses again and swears again. In a matter of second a thunder kills the nun. A powerful voice is heard from the skis saying:
- Fuck, I missed!

A woman goes to a priest and tells him:
- I've made sins! I masturbated my husband.
- Don't worry my daughter, say a prayer tree times and go wash your hands in the river. The woman goes and does exactly as the priest said. When she gets home her husband asks her:
- Where have you been?
- To the river to wash my hands.
- And was anybody else there?
- The priestess was washing her mouth.

Jesus was sitting with a beer and a cigar at the edge of a cliff...
Suddenly, a boy was running towards him screaming:
- Jesus, Jesus, get back on the cross, the tourist are coming...

At the Paradise gates two man meet:
- Why did you die? Asks one of them.
- By cold! You?
- By happiness.
- How come?
- Someone told me that my wife is in our bed with another man. So I went home to check if it's true. I looked under the bed, in the locker, in the garden and I didn't found him. So I died by happiness.
- Why didn't you look in the fridge?!

And, lastly...
A young lady sleeps with the medic. When she finds that she is pregnant it is too late. The doctor doesn't want his wife to find out, so when his truelove has to beget, the priest comes with the prostate inflated and a very big pain. The medic decides to operate him immediately. Suddenly, an idea strikes him.
When the priest wakes up, the doctor says to him:
- Father, it's a miracle! You didn't have the prostate inflated, but a child!
The priest, believing in Gods powers takes the child home and takes care of him. When the child is 17 years old, he decides to tell him the truth:
- Son, I want you to know that I am not your father!
- What? You're not my father?
- No! I'm your mother. The archbishop is you father.

 

[jrparri]

At the Paradise gates two man meet:
- Why did you die? Asks one of them.
- By cold! You?
- By happiness.
- How come?
- Someone told me that my wife is in our bed with another man. So I went home to check if it's true. I looked under the bed, in the locker, in the garden and I didn't found him. So I died by happiness.
- Why didn't you look in the fridge?!

??? I don't get it, was there something lost in translation? Or maybe I'm just dumb

And, lastly...
A young lady sleeps with the medic. When she finds that she is pregnant it is too late. The doctor doesn't want his wife to find out, so when his truelove has to beget, the priest comes with the prostate inflated and a very big pain. The medic decides to operate him immediately. Suddenly, an idea strikes him.
When the priest wakes up, the doctor says to him:
- Father, it's a miracle! You didn't have the prostate inflated, but a child!
The priest, believing in Gods powers takes the child home and takes care of him. When the child is 17 years old, he decides to tell him the truth:
- Son, I want you to know that I am not your father!
- What? You're not my father?
- No! I'm your mother. The archbishop is you father.

BAHHHHH HA HA saved the best for last, eh?

 

[nasher168]

??? I don't get it, was there something lost in translation? Or maybe I'm just dumb

The man died of COLD. The other man DIDN'T LOOK IN THE FRIDGE for the man sleeping with his wife.

 

[Aught3]

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.


"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."


"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"


"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."


"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."


"Yes" said the frog, the witch said, that if a nice kind person picks me up, takes me home and gives me food and warmth then, after a good nights sleep, I will wake up a boy once again."


"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home.


The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11 year old Choir boy beside him in bed,


"And that, your honour, is the case for the Defence....... "