How to be a Bizarro Christian - any tips?

[ArthurWilborn]

I married into a family of devout evangelical Christians; thankfully my wife is pretty laid back about it. Not want them to forbid the marriage, I pretended to be a more liberal Christian. Thanks to my upbringing I was knowledgeable enough about Christianity to pull it off.

Now, after a number of years have passed, I'm starting to pull away from the family church. I've already laid some groundwork for this - I don't get invited to Bible Study after I started bringing in archeology - but it's time to ramp it up and make a split. The method I chose to do this is what I call Bizarro Christianity. That is, I pretend I still have faith in God and the afterlife, and the veracity of significant portions of the Bible. However, I don't fall into illogic and inconsistency and apply the cold scalpel of rationality to my "faith".

This has lead me to some obvious conclusions - the God of Christianity is clearly malicious, but he's all powerful so I don't challenge him. However, I'm wondering if anyone else has any ideas of what I can throw into this. The ideas should be bizarre and contrary to what Christians actually believe, but consistent with the Bible and core dogma. Thanks to anyone who can think of anything!

 

[FiverBeyond]

I would strongly advise against playing these kinds of mind games. People love their religion, and your extended family probably has some love for you, so the best way to 'make the split' is with simple honesty and respect.

My two bits, anyway.

 

[Prolescum]

http://valentinelogar.hubpages.com/hub/Jesus-was-a-Socialist

Jesus was the first Socialist, this isn't really a question, but a statement of fact based upon the New Testament Bible. In fact I find it an interesting phenomenon that those who are most vocal in their rejection of social programs to assist the poor and displaced of our society are the very same who in most cases call themselves the "Moral Majority" and espouse Christian values as the basis of their political stance.

 

[ArthurWilborn]

I would strongly advise against playing these kinds of mind games. People love their religion, and your extended family probably has some love for you, so the best way to 'make the split' is with simple honesty and respect.

My two bits, anyway.

They're evangelical, and I want less to do with their church. If they think I'm Christian with different beliefs, even wacky ones, they'll leave me alone to prevent doctrinal cross-contamination. However, if they thought I was a non-believer they would never stop bugging me about it.

SOCIALISM

They're also mostly an immigrant church so they don't have the same knee-jerk hatred of socialism, so the traction on this one might be minimal. Thanks for the thought, tho.

 

[The Felonius Pope]

Jesus was the first Socialist, this isn't really a question, but a statement of fact based upon the New Testament Bible.

It seems odd to me that everyone in America is trying to get rich. In the Bible Jesus seemed positively spiteful towards rich people. :|

 

[televator]

Jesus was the first Socialist, this isn't really a question, but a statement of fact based upon the New Testament Bible.

It seems odd to me that everyone in America is trying to get rich. In the Bible Jesus seemed positively spiteful towards rich people. :|

Ayn Rand is the true face of Jesus in the US.

 

[The Felonius Pope]

Perhaps its just me, but it would seem as though we have gotten off topic...

 

[CommonEnlightenment]

Get a mass of humanity together to try to actively convert a individual and then follow the following flow chart:

1. If person converts, claim Jesus did it and ignore the fact that social pressure can have negative consequences.
2. If person doesn't convert, claim the devil did it and continue to persecute stated individual. (Ignore civil liberties and the concept of freedom), and ignore the fact that social pressure can have negative effects.

Or one can skip steps one and two and come to the conclusion that social pressure can have negative effects.

 

[televator]

Perhaps its just me, but it would seem as though we have gotten off topic...

Nah, I think it highlights the subconscious mental processes of "bizzaro" christians.

 

[tuxbox]

Lying is lame, don't do it!

Secondly, Fuck Socialism

 

[nemesiss]

if you really want to look like a bizarro christian, emulate the Westburo Baptist Church or 'ShockOfGod

 

[Inferno]

I think there's appeal in the idea, but I agree with tuxbox that "lying is lame".

I'd suggest basically any of the 613 commandments in the Bible, a rather nice account can be found in The Year Of Living Biblically.

For example:

Men must not shave the hair off the sides of their head Lev. 19:27
To wear tefillin (phylacteries) on the head Deut. 6:8
To bind tefillin on the arm Deut. 6:8
Not to walk outside the city boundary on Shabbat Ex. 16:29
Not to have sexual relations with a menstrually impure woman Lev. 18:19
Not to eat the meat of an animal that died without ritual slaughter Deut. 14:21
Not to eat creatures that live in water other than (kosher) fish Lev. 11:43
To estimate the value of people as determined by the Torah Lev. 27:2
Observe the laws of impurity caused by childbirth Lev. 12:2
Observe the laws of impurity caused by a woman's running issue Lev. 15:25

And so on. These are merely 10/613 commandments of the Bible's Old Testament, try and find a few whacky ones, there sure as hell are some.

 

[DepricatedZero]

Ayn Rand is the true face of Jesus in the US.

Ayn Rand made an atheist of me.

 

[nudger1964]

blimey i just cant imagine what it must be like to be in that situation...cant you just tell them you prefer to keep your "relationship" with jesus/god private?

 

[televator]

Ayn Rand is the true face of Jesus in the US.

Ayn Rand made an atheist of me.

Well that's the irony for US Christian conservatives, isn't it?

 

[The Felonius Pope]

Yet one has to travel quite the intellectual and theological distance to equate admonitions towards charity and warnings against greed with divine sanction for the destruction of private property rights and the forcible redistribution of wealth.

Tuxbox, it seems to me that when people say, "Jesus was a socialist." they are simply referring to the fact that Jesus seemed critical of gluttonous wealth. I don't think they mean Jesus was actually a socialist in the modern context of the word. Correct me if I am mistaken.

 

[ArthurWilborn]

Yet one has to travel quite the intellectual and theological distance to equate admonitions towards charity and warnings against greed with divine sanction for the destruction of private property rights and the forcible redistribution of wealth.

Tuxbox, it seems to me that when people say, "Jesus was a socialist." they are simply referring to the fact that Jesus seemed critical of gluttonous wealth. I don't think they mean Jesus was actually a socialist in the modern context of the word. Correct me if I am mistaken.

I don't think so - there's a few parables about how a good servant will work hard to invest and gain money for his employer. There's a few ways to take this, one of which is that it's a backhanded compliment to collaborators, but a surface reading doesn't seem to condemn getting wealthy.

 

[The Felonius Pope]

a surface reading doesn't seem to condemn getting wealthy.

We can squabble over parables for hours, but I would say that quotes like these:

Matthew 19:24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.

seem to convey a tone of harshness towards wealth. I could supply some more of these but the fact is I am simply too lazy. Sorry.

 

[The Felonius Pope]

Ayn Rand made an atheist of me.

Exactly what does this mean?

 

[Prolescum]

SOCIALISM

They're also mostly an immigrant church so they don't have the same knee-jerk hatred of socialism, so the traction on this one might be minimal. Thanks for the thought, tho.

I was only kidding.

I don't think I can be of any help as when I tried putting myself in your shoes, I failed to find anything stronger than what you've already suggested.

I partnered with a Catholic once, and by Catholic, I mean it in both the literal and the filthy sense. Her parents hated me sooo much :lol: (everyone else is derailing the thread...)