Another coming-out conundrum (opinions wanted!)

[EnDSchultz]

So, I've been wrestling with this little issue for a bit and I'd like the input of others on the matter.

I've been an atheist- borderline between agnostic and strong -for several years now. My religious parents are aware of this and after a few months of tension have just learned to accept it. We don't talk about it, really, and our relations are amicable enough. That's all fine and well.

However, a few weeks ago, my grandmother asked me if I'd like to come to church with her. She's in her 80's now, I think; a lifelong, devout Lutheran...she needed a ride because her usual partner wasn't available to drive, so I figured I'd go to church with her. While in the car she's proselytized to me a bit about how nasty and evil the world is and how I need something sure to hold onto (God). Now she has invited me to go to church with her every Sunday, though has specifically said she doesn't want me to do so strictly to please her.

So, here's my dilemma...I get the impression she thinks I'm still a more or less religious person, and don't attend my parents' churches anymore perhaps for some sort of doctrinal disagreement. The simple truth is, however, that I have been atheist for years now and find her beliefs to be a bunch of nonsense rooted purely in emotion and upbringing. How should I go about handling this? Should I attend church with her anyway just to keep her happy? (She's battling cancer for the Nth time and may not be around all that much longer). Should I kindly decline her invitation but not get into any details regarding my motivations? Or should I just spill the beans and tell her the truth of the matter?

I tend to lean towards the second option since it would result in the least amount of guilt or cognitive dissonance on my part; the only problem with it is that she might start to pry. All I feel I could really say is that she wouldn't really be able to understand my reasons, which is probably true; she's so set in her ways, and starting the downhill slope mentally as we all tend to do at that age, that my reasons for being atheist would undoubtedly go way over her head and aren't really something that can be expressed with any decent amount of brevity.

Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.

 

[lrkun]

So, I've been wrestling with this little issue for a bit and I'd like the input of others on the matter.

I've been an atheist- borderline between agnostic and strong -for several years now. My religious parents are aware of this and after a few months of tension have just learned to accept it. We don't talk about it, really, and our relations are amicable enough. That's all fine and well.

However, a few weeks ago, my grandmother asked me if I'd like to come to church with her. She's in her 80's now, I think; a lifelong, devout Lutheran...she needed a ride because her usual partner wasn't available to drive, so I figured I'd go to church with her. While in the car she's proselytized to me a bit about how nasty and evil the world is and how I need something sure to hold onto (God). Now she has invited me to go to church with her every Sunday, though has specifically said she doesn't want me to do so strictly to please her.

So, here's my dilemma...I get the impression she thinks I'm still a more or less religious person, and don't attend my parents' churches anymore perhaps for some sort of doctrinal disagreement. The simple truth is, however, that I have been atheist for years now and find her beliefs to be a bunch of nonsense rooted purely in emotion and upbringing. How should I go about handling this? Should I attend church with her anyway just to keep her happy? (She's battling cancer for the Nth time and may not be around all that much longer). Should I kindly decline her invitation but not get into any details regarding my motivations? Or should I just spill the beans and tell her the truth of the matter?

I tend to lean towards the second option since it would result in the least amount of guilt or cognitive dissonance on my part; the only problem with it is that she might start to pry. All I feel I could really say is that she wouldn't really be able to understand my reasons, which is probably true; she's so set in her ways, and starting the downhill slope mentally as we all tend to do at that age, that my reasons for being atheist would undoubtedly go way over her head and aren't really something that can be expressed with any decent amount of brevity.

Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.

Go to church with her. It's not that bad. There's nothing wrong with spending a few moments of your time with your grandma. It's not like we're demons, where going to church will kill us. Just because you're there doesn't mean you'll become a christian again. If this happened to me, I'd go. Not for the church, but for my grandma. Besides, she'll be dead soon and nothing in the world will change that fact, unless you hate your grandma, then it's okay.

You'll notice that I'm not telling you to be honest, it's because honesty does not solve your problem. You're dealing with an old lady who will eventually die sooner or later. Why not be there for her, not as a christian, but as a grandson/daughter. There's nothing wrong with pretending. We do it everyday. It's useful to blend in with the sheep. You can always sleep inside a church, I always do. Best place to study when I was in college, because no one's actually inside, but that doesn't make me a christian, because I know that a church is but a building and you should too.

In the case that you tell her that you're an atheist, what if she suffers from a stroke or a heart attack. Everyone's going to blame you. >.< Not smart to risk this situation as based on the facts you presented.

To summarize:

Because you know that the church is false as well as its teachings, being there won't infect you in anyway. Being with your grandma will be an act of kindness, which is inheren in yourself, because you're her kin. Being kind to her shows love or empathy or caring. You owe it to her for giving birth to your mother who in turn gave birth to you. ^-^

 

[Laurens]

Second option. If she pries tell her you didn't agree with the doctrine of that church (she doesn't have to know that you disagree with all churches).

 

[Cephei]

In my opinion, yes. If it can make your grandmother a little happier, It'd be worth the boredom.

 

[nasher168]

Hmmm...
If it was a one-off thing, I'd say go along with it. Every Sunday, though, is more than I could bear even in a wishy-washy Methodist or Church of England one like you get around here. I don't know what Lutheran churches are like, but unless they're ultra-liberal I can't reasonably advise someone else to go along.

 

[Yfelsung]

Just give 'er and tell her.

I told my fairly religious grandmother and she accepted it. She's your grandma, if she disowns you for being an atheist than fuck her, she doesn't know what love means.

 

[borrofburi]

Depends on what you think of your grandmother. From the sounds of it I'd just politely decline the invitation, maybe "reveal all" if she pressed really hard and there wasn't really much of an other option. Doesn't seem much of a point telling her, and I would not be able to stomach church every week.

 

[Doc.]

It's purely your choice. I'd just refuse it after couple of sundays to pay off my conscience (depends on how boring church is).

If you want to stay in contact with her, say that you are really busy on sundays but you have free time on, say tusedays when you could go and see her. By the way, I entered the church couple of times some time ago, since it was really quiet inside and pretty beautiful too, not on sunday of course. So yeah, you could go to church if you don't want to make her sad on other days of week when it's not noisy and all. it's not like God would have anything against it or anything.

 

[ImprobableJoe]

I think that maybe you sort of walk your way out of this situation without really making atheism the issue. I'm all hardcore atheist and whatever, but I also think you don't give your 80 year old granny a stroke over something that won't otherwise really matter to her. I don't think you need to suffer through church out of guilt, but you don't need to make a big issue out of it either. Find a position that feels as true to yourself as it can be without alienating your poor old granny.

 

[Josan]

Second option definitly. For some people the third might be better, but from your post I got the feeling you would have a hard time explaining, which in the end probably will leave to both of you being frustrated in the end.

I wouldn't go for the first option. I realize that she might be gone soon, but wouldn't you rather spend some real quality time with her (where you can talk openly, play games, take walks or something of that nature), going to curch seems like something she can do perfectly fine on her own to be honest.

I also actually consider the first option the most dishonest. Especially because of this comment

though has specifically said she doesn't want me to do so strictly to please her.

Taking the first option just seems like taking the easy way out to me.


But that is just my opinion =)

 

[Squawk]

Don't go, and if she asks why, lie. No need to upset her, but no reason to waste your time every Sunday either. If you have a good relationship with her already then you don't need to spend the time, which will simply cause resentment. If you have a bad relationship with her then sitting in a church every sunday won't do shit for that relationship.

 

[Zerosix]

:idea: Hypothetically you can get a job which requires you to work on Sundays.

This way you'll have a legitamite reason for not going to church without having to lie to your gran.

Pros:
- You don't have to lie to your gran. :mrgreen:
- You'll get paid!

Cons:
-You have to wotk on a Sunday! :shock:

 

[monitoradiation]

Hard position to be put in.

I'd say go with her to church; unless you totally cannot ever stand it, ever.

 

[Mapp]

I would do both. It's worth it to live honestly and openly about who you are, but coming out doesn't preclude you from spending time with your grandmother in church.

 

[Krazyskooter]

Just lost my 84 year old grandmother in July. If she's anything like mine, then church IS a bonding experience for her. Don't go every week but at least give her 1 Sunday out of 6. Take her out to eat after church and just talk about things, if she's tries talking to you about her religion just humor her. You can have a religious conversation without having to believe the nonsense, what I would do is pick one thing, and discuss it in depth. The last conversation I had with mine was about the biblical concept of free will and whether or not it's accurate considering an all knowing God. I didn't make it confrontational I just put it out there and let her think about it and give her opinion and then we'd talk about it for an hour or so. I found that doing this made my grandmother feel more intelligent because although it's a false belief she was able to use what knowledge she's learned about her religion in a conversation (even if she thought I was Calvinist for a long time). Don't go all hardball on her like she's a YEC just take what she says and talk about it as if it were true.