I recently called my mother to tell her about my experience in Arabic Class. I constantly update her because it's a class I struggle in (since I skipped 101 and went straight to 201 BUT I studied on my own for a time). Anyways, after I told her about it, she asked if I went to church on Sunday. In the past, I've always lied and said I always went to church. But this time I just said no. She asked why not...and I chickened out and just said I was lazy. Waking up that early wasn't really worth it. She said, "That's a shame..." in the most disapproving voice she could fathom and I quickly changed the subject. Now I am kicking myself for not just being honest and telling her than I'm not a Christian anymore and will NEVER go back to church. But this will cause 1 of 2 reactions: Either she'll end the conversation right then and there and spend the rest of the day crying/praying/venting to my father about her fallen child OR the conversation would get reeeeaalllly loud and indignant. I am looking forward to neither but I know the day is coming. I can't hide this forever and shouldn't hide it at all. But I'm emotionally not ready for what will happen. If I think my mother is upset, my sister will flip. She, on the other hand, does not hold her tongue and has yelled and talked down at me in the past when I simply disagreed about how to go about "spreading the word". For her to find out that religion no longer has a place in my life, I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to lay her hands on me.
See, she's the kind of person who thinks that, just because she's gotten away with a lot of sh!t (taken rides from guys that didn't end in a raping, miraculously passed tests, avoided catastrophe by the skin of her teeth, etc...) and that sometimes her prayers came through (fasting til dad finds another job, and when he does, it was the work of God) that she's being looked out for by God (or Gandolf) and to say otherwise only gets her thinking about those scary instances and she gets...pissed. How dare someone think her escapes were merely by chance. She was saved! Someone was watching over her! Someone will always watch over her! And she'll continue to do stupid things...
Anyways...
While, in movies, a negative response might translate as a slap to the face, I figure she'd grab me by the shoulders and shake me repeatedly or push me to the ground, talking down to me and "people like me", and I am not anxious to deal with this either. Partly because I wouldn't tolerate this and her laying her hands on me would result in a very violent fight. Tell me, have you ever had to throw a punch (in DEFENSE) against your own family just to stand up for your right to think and feel whatever you want? If you're here, maybe. But this is not something I thought I'd ever have to do because I've never had cause to irk my sister in such a deep fashion. A few months ago I irked her to the point of name calling, cursing, and manipulation. This is something that will deeply disturb her. What will she do?
Of course there's always the chance that my family will be mature individuals and absorb this information with no trouble at all.
(sigh) Oh God...
See, she's the kind of person who thinks that, just because she's gotten away with a lot of sh!t (taken rides from guys that didn't end in a raping, miraculously passed tests, avoided catastrophe by the skin of her teeth, etc...) and that sometimes her prayers came through (fasting til dad finds another job, and when he does, it was the work of God) that she's being looked out for by God (or Gandolf) and to say otherwise only gets her thinking about those scary instances and she gets...pissed. How dare someone think her escapes were merely by chance. She was saved! Someone was watching over her! Someone will always watch over her! And she'll continue to do stupid things...
Anyways...
While, in movies, a negative response might translate as a slap to the face, I figure she'd grab me by the shoulders and shake me repeatedly or push me to the ground, talking down to me and "people like me", and I am not anxious to deal with this either. Partly because I wouldn't tolerate this and her laying her hands on me would result in a very violent fight. Tell me, have you ever had to throw a punch (in DEFENSE) against your own family just to stand up for your right to think and feel whatever you want? If you're here, maybe. But this is not something I thought I'd ever have to do because I've never had cause to irk my sister in such a deep fashion. A few months ago I irked her to the point of name calling, cursing, and manipulation. This is something that will deeply disturb her. What will she do?
Of course there's always the chance that my family will be mature individuals and absorb this information with no trouble at all.
(sigh) Oh God...
