Some lyrics I've been working on...

[somtwo]

Beneath the shade of the tree of life you stayed
Woke up one day, the tree had withered away. And you said
"Guess I was wrong. Should have known all along... It's all here."
And went about your day as if nothing had changed, all adhered.

The spirit you say, talked to you that day. What of him?
What's he says now? I don't see how you've no doubt.
He was wrong once before. You were so sure. So you swore.
Will what you say change with the day as before?



What do you guys think?

 

[Nelipot]

 

[australopithecus]

Constructive... :roll:

 

[Nelipot]

What people say they want is not necessarily what they want.

 

[Laurens]

Nelipot, it seems like you're posting that image as a way of saying the lyrics in the OP are 'bad poetry'.

It's a bit of a cuntish thing to do. How would you like it if you devoted time to something creative and the response you got was a rather unconstructive 'that's shit'? No one is saying that you have to like the lyrics, but why don't you offer something constructive that the OP can take on board rather than being a cunt about it. You're whining in other topics about people here being egotistical and making ad hom attacks too often, well I think you're being a big fucking hypocrite.

With regards to the OP:

What kind of music is it?

What is the theme behind the lyrics?

Its a bit hard to judge the lyrics by themselves, it would be nice to hear how they fit with a piece of music.

 

[CosmicJoghurt]

What people say they want is not necessarily what they want.

If you're tired of LoR's "intolerance" you might as well leave. If there's one thing most of us hate it's non-constructive annoying crap.

 

[australopithecus]

Nelipot, it seems like you're posting that image as a way of saying the lyrics in the OP are 'bad poetry'.

It's a bit of a cuntish thing to do. How would you like it if you devoted time to something creative and the response you got was a rather unconstructive 'that's shit'? No one is saying that you have to like the lyrics, but why don't you offer something constructive that the OP can take on board rather than being a cunt about it. You're whining in other topics about people here being egotistical and making ad hom attacks too often, well I think you're being a big fucking hypocrite.

Seriously, very uncalled for. I understand your objections but there's better ways to do so. Verbal warning, please don't to it again.

 

[Laurens]

I apologise for my vulgar language and insulting tone - I'm in a grumpy mood today.

I do stand by my sentiments though. I'll phrase them in a less angry manner next time.

 

[CreativeCrook]

Nelipot, it seems like you're posting that image as a way of saying the lyrics in the OP are 'bad poetry'.

It's a bit of a cuntish thing to do. How would you like it if you devoted time to something creative and the response you got was a rather unconstructive 'that's shit'? No one is saying that you have to like the lyrics, but why don't you offer something constructive that the OP can take on board rather than being a cunt about it. You're whining in other topics about people here being egotistical and making ad hom attacks too often, well I think you're being a big fucking hypocrite.

Seriously, very uncalled for. I understand your objections but there's better ways to do so. Verbal warning, please don't to it again.

To be fair, you should be more concerned about mindless trolls than the thoughtful members who defend their victims.

 

[CreativeCrook]

Beneath the shade of the tree of life you stayed
Woke up one day, the tree had withered away. And you said
"Guess I was wrong. Should have known all along... It's all here."
And went about your day as if nothing had changed, all adhered.

The spirit you say, talked to you that day. What of him?
What's he says now? I don't see how you've no doubt.
He was wrong once before. You were so sure. So you swore.
Will what you say change with the day as before?



What do you guys think?

It is a good start. Don't forget that most creative work comes to life through merciless editing.

Could you elaborate on what you are trying to convey, so we can offer more meaningful feedback?

What initially strikes me is that you start with something so epic (the tree of life), that the proceeding lyrics immediately fall flat. You should work up to a climax where it would seem you started with it, which is a far more challenging feat.

If this is meant to be written poetry, as opposed to sung, then I'd criticise the flow and wordiness.

Work on mastering imagery, flow, and rhyme.