BlueMeuse
New Member
So, I've been lurking around here for a couple days (courtesy of my s.o., who is a regular on this forum), trying to think of a way to introduce myself. Honestly, trying to decide if I should, given my past experiences with social media. But, you know, we humans love our herds - need them really. Still, I wasn't sure what to say until this morning I had a disturbing (hopeful?) thought. Almost an epiphany - for me anyway. No doubt I'm late to the party and everyone else has already realized it. In two days, I'll be 43 and I won't bore you, yet, as to why but, like most humans seem to be, I'm pretty unhappy with how my life has gone so far. Some of it is certainly my own doing, some is not. At this point, why bother delineating the two anyway, eh? What's done is done. Or, is it?
That's what I was thinking about. I realized, to my utter horror, that I could live for another several decades.
That's a strange realization when you've already given up and accepted your 'fate'. I have made countless choices which have all together led me here - to pester you all. And, I have been so caught up in, crushed by, the inertia of those choices (the sum of my history) to feel that *this is it*. Except, of course, it's not. I could literally begin again right now and spend the next four decades creating a life I love, one I might even want to wake up with every day.
It isn't a fear of the future which hold me hostage, it's the weight of my past. Every day has felt like the last day - resigned to this reality. I made it, so I must now live it. Only, I don't really think that's true anymore. I will grant that it feels more difficult now, on the heels of so much experience. Like suddenly changing lanes at max speed on a congested highway. So dangerous. Why is it like that? Why, instead, do I not feel fortunate to have experienced so much - to have the option to make more (better, I hope) choices? For one, I simply don't trust myself. I mean, I've met me and she's a bit unreliable in some fundamental ways.
Then again, she's also kept me alive this long. So, maybe there's still hope for me yet?
Apologies, if this is a bit too... whatever for an introduction. Regardless, it is lovely to make your acquaintance.
That's what I was thinking about. I realized, to my utter horror, that I could live for another several decades.
That's a strange realization when you've already given up and accepted your 'fate'. I have made countless choices which have all together led me here - to pester you all. And, I have been so caught up in, crushed by, the inertia of those choices (the sum of my history) to feel that *this is it*. Except, of course, it's not. I could literally begin again right now and spend the next four decades creating a life I love, one I might even want to wake up with every day.
It isn't a fear of the future which hold me hostage, it's the weight of my past. Every day has felt like the last day - resigned to this reality. I made it, so I must now live it. Only, I don't really think that's true anymore. I will grant that it feels more difficult now, on the heels of so much experience. Like suddenly changing lanes at max speed on a congested highway. So dangerous. Why is it like that? Why, instead, do I not feel fortunate to have experienced so much - to have the option to make more (better, I hope) choices? For one, I simply don't trust myself. I mean, I've met me and she's a bit unreliable in some fundamental ways.
Then again, she's also kept me alive this long. So, maybe there's still hope for me yet?
Apologies, if this is a bit too... whatever for an introduction. Regardless, it is lovely to make your acquaintance.
